What Is Self-Soothing? Tending to Yourself When Emotions Run High
My journey with this work really started with me passionately seeking tools to help me feel better in my body, as I navigated the internal effects of complex trauma and the challenges of living in a sensitive body. Amongst many other supportive concepts, I learned about “Self Soothing”.
In simple terms, Self Soothing is the process of noticing your emotional or physiological state—and intentionally doing something to support, comfort, or stabilize yourself. It’s about being attuned to your own needs, especially in moments of stress, overwhelm, fear, or sadness—and responding to those needs with care.
We tend to need self-soothing most when our nervous system is activated—when we're feeling anxious, overwhelmed, afraid, shut down, or emotionally tender. And sometimes, we also need it in the quieter, subtler moments of stress—such as navigating the day-to-day micro-triggers: a hard conversation, traffic, too many tasks, or just feeling emotionally off-center.
When we don’t have tools for self-soothing, we often fall into coping patterns that numb us or disconnect us from ourselves—like scrolling, overeating, lashing out, or shutting down.
But when we build this capacity to tend to the self—when we know how to meet our own needs—it becomes a radical act of self-trust. We begin to affirm that we can support ourselves in real-time, allowing us to move through life with more ease, more resilience, and more self compassion.
In somatic work, we sometimes call this self-regulation or nervous system regulation—but I prefer the term attunement because it feels softer, more relational. It’s the idea of tuning in, like you would with a child or a friend, asking: "What do you need right now?", and giving that to yourself.
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Learning to attune to yourself is key for self soothing practice. Emotional Attunement is foundational to MindBody wellness.
So, what is Attunement?
Put simply its being with and tuning into an experience (whether within yourself or someone else) with a sense of care and connection, and then tending to that experience with compassion and respect.
We learn self attunement from our caregivers. When a child is upset, the caregiver will slowdown, tune into the child and notice what may be upsetting them. By tuning into the child’s experience, the caregiver may understand that the child is hungry, has a belly ache from gas, or needs closeness and affection. From here, the caregiver gives the child what they need, supporting the child to find comfort, ease, and a sense of safety. This is the same thing we learn to do with ourseves as adults.
So, what does it mean to be “Unattuned”: When we are unattuned we are not in connection with our experience. We either push it away, deny it exists, or try to change it without honoring it.
With children, a parent may ignore the child’s cries, choose not acknowledge their feelings, or try to change the child’s emotions without acknowledging their experience. If the child is scared of something, for example, the parent tells the child “that is not scary. stop crying”, or “the fall wasn't that bad, toughen up!”.
Or, if the parent is dissociated from their own self, they may become agitated and anxious by the child’s cries. Thus, overwhelmed in their own body, not able to sense into the child’s experience to find resolve.
These unattuned experiences between child and caregiver, confuse the child’s awareness and connection to their own feelings. As a result they learn to bypass, dissociate, suppress, etc. As adults the same thing happens when we bypass feelings that arise within us. This “confuses” our systems and creates dysregulation. However, when we choose to slow down and attune to our arising emotions and sensations with curiosity and care, we can tend to our needs, move through emotion with a healthy way, and support ourselves deeply.
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Coregulation is what is happening when the caregiver tunes into the upset child and supports them to find comfort and ease. But children also Self Soothe. Think of a baby rubbing their cheek with a soft blanket to fall asleep, cooing to relax, or sucking their thumb to feel safe. Those are early forms of soothing. As adults, we still naturally self soothe—though it might look different. Next, we will breifly touch on the unhealthy ways we Self Soothe as adults, healthier alternatives, and why it may be challenging to practice self soothing tools in the moment of heighten emotion.
Even though we know the importance of Self Attunement and Self Soothing, we may still find it very hard to apply this wisdom in a moment of heightened emotion! Who can relate to knowing all the info but having a hard time putting it in practice? *raises hand* Who can relate to having the tools but struggling to use them? *raises hand again*
So, let’s briefly touch on what may make self attunement and self soothing challenging to do?
We are not resources: Meaning we don't have a good “toolbox” of techniques and practices to support us. This is why somatic education is so important. We want to learn tools to help us feel resources, to have choices in how we tend to our emotions. If we notice we are anxious, but don't know any tools to support us, we may find our self resorting to dissociating, suppressing, bypassing etc.
When there is a lack of safety: A sense of safety is vital when wanting to down regulate the nervous system. When we are in an environment that doesn't feel supportive or safe, such as a public place, or if we are in the company of someone who doesn't provide relational safety, we may not be comfortable enough to apply our self soothing techniques.
When your basic needs aren't met: You’re fighting against nature when you expect to feel emotionally well but you are dehydrated, haven't eaten, emptied your bladder, had enough rest, etc. Our society trains us not to listen to our bodies, for the sake of productivity, so we forget to eat, use the bathroom, and simply take care of our basic needs. When these needs aren't met, we can’t expect Self Soothing tools to feel supportive.
When you are living in a sensitive or traumatized body: Self Soothing is about tending to our present emotional states. However, those of us living in traumatized bodies, may not only be dealing with the present emotion, but also have “the past in the room”. This means a present emotion can also activate unresolved emotion and narratives, making it really hard to determine what we really need in the present. During heightened emotion the “rational” brain shuts down making it hard to make supportive decisions, this is exasperated in a sensitive or traumatized body. This means it is even more important for us to practice self attunement, so that we can be aware of when we are being activated and to slowly and gently develop our ability to resource (utilize supportive tools).
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Remember, Self Soothing is a natural instinct to regulate/balance the nervous system. This instinct happens consciously and unconsciously. We reach for healthy and unhealthy/unsustainable relief. The goal with unhealthy self soothing is to detach from the mind and body as much as possible to find relief.
What are some unhealthy ways we self sooth?
Avoidance of situations that cause the stress/emotion
Isolation
Disassociation
Mindless scrolling
Binge watching tv/video games
EXTREME EXAMPLE: developing “alters”
Over Regulating/Needing to be in control
Alcohol/drugs
Relationships
Sex
Putting others down (releasing the energy onto someone else)
Putting self in risky situations
Recreates the trauma we are used to, which feels “safe”/familiar
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So, how can we Self Soothe in a healthy way? Foundational to this is practicing Self Attunement to notice the things that make you feel nourished, safe, easeful, cozy, and comforted. Take note of these things and add them to your tool box; build your resources.
Breath: Our emotions affect our breath and our breath effects our nervous system. Slowing down the breath, being with the exhale, counting each breath to anchor the mind, etc. Breath is free medicine and deeply supportive.
Create the sensation of being enclosed: This creates feelings of safety and security.
Hug Self: Being “enclosed” feels safe (like the womb)
Using a weighted blanket
Right hand on heart under arm pit….left hand on right shoulder and just breathe.
Focus on the calmest part of the body (when emotions are high): I do not recommend mental/intellectual tools during triggers, our rational brain is off line…it’s more powerful to focus on SENSATIONS, not thoughts. Instead of trying to calm the mind, tune into the calmest part of the body and just breathe.
Find something soft or warm: Take a hot bath, make a cup of tea, cozy up with a soft blanket, put on those plushy socks. Savor the good sensations.
Tune into the senses: this helps us ground into reality…when we are activated or dissociating we are deep in patterns or memories of past similar experiences (conscious or not). Focusing on the senses is a powerful way to root into the present, when the mind-body is resorting to the past.
Humming: A simple yet powerful technique. I like to use one or two tones, but humming a song can also be supportive. The humming in the throat stimulates the vagus nerve and also acts as a soothing vibration through the body, helping to relax muscle tension.
Slowing Down in the moment: Slow your Speech / Breathing / Walking / Talking and notice how your body softens.
Get into a safe environment if possible
Take care of basic needs
Self Compassion: Just like we give to a scared or overwhelmed child. This can be through self talk and inner narratives, but in terms of self soothing, it is more about the quality of action we take towards ourself being one of compassion and gentleness.
Reduce stimulation: Turn the music down a notch, put in noise canceling headphones, turn off the various phone antennas around you, turn off the artificial light, etc.
By no means is this an all encompassing list, it is up to you to start exploring what works for you.
So as you go about your day, I invite you to notice:
What helps you feel a little more at ease and comforted? What brings you a sense of calm or safety? Can you offer that to yourself, even just for a moment?
Hopefully this can get you started on practicing your own self attunement and in building your ability to resource and support your unique internal landscapes. And remember, it’s a practice, which means we show up each time to try, to develop, to deepen.